Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Something To Remember

As of today, I have blogged every day for a whole year. That's 365 blog posts. I'm not sure what I’ll do now. I don't think I can keep up blogging every day. It's too much time. Since coming to college, and especially since classes have picked up, I’ve had to work really hard to make sure I have a post for every day. I mean, I'll definitely keep blogging - I love blogging – we’ll just have to see where it goes.

Blogging every day for a year has been something incredible for me. And what a year it's been. Definitely the biggest changes of my life. Probably the most defining year too, in all kinds of ways.

This time last year, I was feeling wobbly. I was scared and confused and not sure what was going to happen next. I felt alone and sad. I'd almost lost my fight. I cried a lot, especially at the smallest kindnesses like texts, cards, phone calls, voicemails, and prayers. I wasn't sure I liked myself. I wasn't sure of anything, really. It felt like there were no good alternatives, no ways out. I was fragile. I wanted to run away to Australia

The shit hit the fan.

But guess what. I'm better for it.

Right around August I started realizing how much the last year has made me better. It wasn’t just the hard things, it was the whole cycle of this past year – the ups as much as the downs. It made me better because with some generous help from my friends and family who had my back, stuck with me, and loved me, some awesome therapy, and some serious efforts on my part I got myself on a path that is headed somewhere good. When everything crumbled (or at least it felt like it did) last year I had this incredible opportunity to rebuild myself, to deal with things that had needed dealing with for a long time and to really decide who I was going to be. Sometimes it sucked, often it was hard, but it was so worth it. I'm so grateful for that opportunity. I can honestly say I am. It was worth it.

I look back to a year ago, and I think of the scene at the end of The Hobbit. Bilbo and Gandalf are finally returning to Bilbo's hobbit-hole when Gandalf looks at Bilbo and says, "My dear Bilbo! Something is the matter with you! You are not the hobbit that you were." He means, of course, that over the course of the adventure, Bilbo's grown into an entirely different hobbit. And I feel like that.

I think that, of all the lessons I learned last year, I think the one that means the most to me is that I can always still be me. No matter where I am, what activities I'm doing, who my friends are, or how I'm identifying myself, I can still be me. My me-ness is something valuable and strong and real, and I'm not going to let it go. It’s something I hold to when life starts to feel heavy: I am me.

I suppose that the core of that lesson is that I really like myself. I do. I like that I randomly burst into horrible song and that I do things obsessively – like crafting at 2AM or reading all of Harry Potter or watching an entire season of America’s Next Top Model. I like that I’m often erratic and all over the map, that I’m a little irresponsible and a little wild, but that I can also take charge and get shit done – and done well. I like that I sob over bad movies and good books. I like that I write, that I write a lot, that sometimes I write stuff I’m really proud of. I like that I’m maternal and love taking care of kids, but that it’s also nice to be taken care of. I like that I’ve found a group of friends who I’m very close to and love a whole lot, and I like I’m someone who those friends love back. I like who I am. I feel valuable. And that was something I grew into this past year.

You know, I often feel like the universe favors me above all others. I’m perpetually amazed by how kind the universe is to me. It’s true. It sounds dumb, but I really do feel that way. There are so many things – some meaningful and some trivial – that have happened in my life, and especially in the past year, that I can’t help feeling should not have logically happened. But they were the things that made a difference, and I'm deeply thankful they did happen.

I am a lucky girl. 

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