Thursday, September 20, 2012

Secrets

One of the things about being in a new place is that no one really knows my story at all. I can put in or keep out whatever I want; create whatever image of myself I want to. I've never had that before. I'm so used to everyone around me knowing - more or less - everything about me. I always thought I hated it. And there are definitely things to hate about it. But I find that I also kind of miss it. Because it can make things easier too.
I've been thinking a lot about secrets lately. I'd never really thought a lot about secrets, because I honestly don't have many. I don't even know what my deepest secret would be. Do I even have one? I'm not that secretive because when I am, I always end up feeling lonely. It makes me think of that line in Catcher in the Rye, when Holden says, “don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” 
I think that for me, one of the highest indicators of a meaningful friendship is when I trust someone so completely that I can tell them my secrets – not my darker huge-emotional-connection, things-I-just-don't-like-to-talk-about secrets, but my who-I-am secrets. The secrets about what I think and believe; about where I'm going and where I've been; about what I fear and what thrills me. 
I have spent my days among the ones I trust with those secrets. And that is a beautiful thing.
But being in a new place means that, in some ways, everything becomes a secret. Not even because it's information being withheld, but because you're just not close enough to share everything yet. And I kinda miss having other people hold my secrets. I know it'll come with time. For now I'm just waiting, I suppose. 


PS. This is the best playlist ever.

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