I'm up early this morning. Kat leaves today. Have I cried? Oh, yes I have. Which is funny, because really it isn't that sad. It's exciting. But saying goodbye is sad. Sometime I just have to remind myself I'm not dying, I'm going to college; she's not dying, she's going to college; our lives aren't over, they're moving on.
Somedays I feel like a fucking mess. Lord knows where I'm at or what I'm really feeling.
The other day, Kat and I were on a hike and she asked me, sorta out of the blue "what are you most excited for?" I thought about it for a moment and decided I'm most excited for new ground to grow in. Life has been extraordinarily comfortable and reliable the past years. Which is great for a time, but there's also this growth curve, and I feel like I've gotten to the part with a low slope. I'm most excited to be in a new, challenging environment, where life is difficult and rewarding and the growth curve is steep.
On that same hike we were talking about what we'd be leaving behind, and I told her about this thought I'd been having: only remember with gratitude. I'm walking away from a lot of things, and I'm realizing that there are a lot of things that I should be letting go of. I don't need to be angry about the way things were handled by certain people, or to regret a few key things I said, or to be upset about wrongs far in the past. It's not worth it anymore. If I'm going to remember, it's not going to be with negative feelings about the bad or longing for the things/people I miss, it will be with pure gratitude for the beautiful things/people/experiences that played roles in my life.
Also, for some reason, I just keep thinking of this:
(from Franz Wright's One Heart)
I think it's my favorite line of poetry ever, in the history of ever. Really. Like it could be my next tattoo I like it so much. There's something so incredibly kind about it. It reminds me that I need mercy from everyone: my family, my dear and not-so-dear friends, myself. Reminds me that it's okay that sometimes I feel like a fucking mess, because I can ask for and deserve mercy. Reminds me to be soft on myself because I'm a one-hearted human.