300th blog post! What the blogging!
A week or so ago I finished Toni Morrison's Home. And it was good. Not Beloved good, but good. There's a part in there that I've been thinking about for days:
"Look to yourself. You free. Nothing and nobody is obligated to save you but you. Seed your own land. You young and a woman and there's serious limitations in both, but you a person too... Somewhere inside you is that free person I'm talking about. Locate her and let her do some good in the world. "
Some days, the idea of being entirely responsible for myself weighs a lot. Some days I don't want to be in charge of my own life. I don't know who it is I want to be in charge of it, but not me. The idea of being entirely in charge of myself - of being able to make big kid mistakes, not just teenage mistakes - is enough to paralyze me. I mean, I think I'll be okay. Even though there are bound to be good days and bad days, I'm fairly confident I'll come out on top. But the idea of being in charge of whether or not I come out on top fucking scares me.
I was talking to someone kinda about this, and what she said was, "I know you'll do what you'll do, but do it so that you come back the girl that I love." And, strangely enough, that might be the best piece of advice that I've gotten. Because even though everything's scary, I can do that.