Friday, November 18, 2011

Maternal Instincts

I have no intention of reproducing for 15-20 years. And even then, we'll have to see.
Here's the thing: I'm really not a kids person. Maybe it's the fact that I'm 17, but I just don't have the patience. I can love and play with a child for about 45 minutes and then I'm done. And maybe that patience will come with time, but I just couldn't do that whole mother thing until I knew I was ready to be patient with a child through it all. I would have to be in a spot where I knew I could love a child no matter who it was going to be. I'm really not good at that whole loving people for their faults thing. There are too many people that I have an absurdly hard time being around. And I know that's my problem. But I wouldn't want to have a child until I knew I would love that child for being what he/she was supposed to be. I don't think you have kids because you want to. You have kids because your ready. And I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.
[Of course, I know you're never really ready, because no matter what you do, you don't win at parenting. But I mean, ready in that you're ready for it to be hard.]
So the funny thing about that is that I have obscenely strong maternal instincts. Like show me  a human under the age of 3 and I will be demanding to hold/play with it. It's almost a physical compulsion. I'm not sure I'm okay with this whole strong maternal instinct thing.
Yesterday, I was playing mom with my little cousin who's staying with us this week because her parents are in New York. Anyway, I had her in the car seat in the back, and we were talking and such. I had this moment when we passed a cop and I looked down at the speedometer and realized I was going under the speed limit. I never drive under the speed limit. I'm always 5-10 over the speed limit. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I just am. I couldn't understand why I was driving so slowly, and then I realized, it was because there was a child in the back of my car. There goes those pesky maternal instincts again, protecting the child.

Maybe I should give this whole feminist thing get up and get married/pregnant in June when I turn 18.

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