Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Contrarian

Last Friday I had pointed out to me that there are dangers in setting myself up as someone who rejects so much because when I push the boundaries, things eventually crash and burn big time.
Initially, I was super resentful of this accusation. I like having spunk.
And then, I thought about it. This whole weekend has been an exercise in putting aside my defenses and allowing myself to be vulnerable. And you know what sucks about that? Being vulnerable is super painful and super uncomfortable. It takes so much strength to keep those defenses aside and let the pain sink it. But I did it.
So I thought about it. I came to the conclusion that there was one giant gaping hole in my theory of life: I don't get to break the rules. I should be following all the rules, not because I value obedience (I don't), but because it's how to show respect and value for things. My behavior generally sends the message "I don't care about anything", when in reality, there are lots of things I care about very deeply. So the confidence and feeling that I'm important is worthwhile. But I'm not invincible. Along with confidence must come humility and general respect for those around me, and I lack in both those categories.
So no, I don't think being a contrarian and being spirited is inherently wrong. I actually think it's a fairly good way to be. But if I'm going to continue on that path, I must develop a higher respect for those around me, a firm adherence to the rules and a general attitude of humility.
That  is realization number one of the weekend. There are lots more.

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