Sunday, May 22, 2011

Disaster warning: I'm growing up.

So having this follow my last post is going to leave people thinking I'm bipolar, but hell, it's the end of the year, aka emotional roller-coaster.
I went to school all day on Friday. Last period was physics class. Physics has been my least favorite class all year, perhaps ever. I don't care about learning physics, and the class was so hard that I stopped even remotely hoping for anything above an 87 on any tests.
Anyway, it was last period and it was raining. Most of our class was gone, because the seniors had already taken their final, so they didn't need to be there. However, we all sat in the seats which we had sat in the entire year. I've never had the emptiness of a classroom so apparent.
One lone senior came to class. I asked her why she was there, and she said "honestly, I just don't want to leave." This coming from a senior with one hell of an impressive brain who's going to do amazing things with her life starting with Brown in the fall. Yet, even for her, letting go of everything we've known is almost too hard.
So I sat through physics review pretending to care about kinematics. Then all of a sudden, it hit me.
"This is the last physics class."
As soon as I'd said it, I started crying.
I wasn't sad that physics was ending. I was ready to bid it adiu months ago. But it was in that moment that it hit me this year is ending. I have had some of my favorite classes ever this year. I've had teachers who taught me things I will love forever. And I've figured out a bit about myself.
All that is ending. It's heartbreaking and scary. I'm planning my college visit trips for this summer, meeting with the college counselor perhaps too regularly, and in my spare time, I look at college websites. For a girl who yearns for freedom, this whole growing up thing has taken me by a storm.
A little over a year ago I was leaving for Europe. That experience still feels like yesterday, and yet a year from now, I'll be graduating and my life will be starting.
I'm just not sure I'm ready for that.

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